Do you find yourself shouting and yelling at your partner and don’t know how you got too that point?
Do you find you say things you later regret and which cause untold damage to your future relationship?
If so, this is a must read article for you and it may help you save your relationship.
- Recognise the Triggers
Take a moment to sit and consider what are your triggers. What makes you lose your temper and sends you into a whirlwind of fury? Is it that he or she fails to do what you have repeatedly asked of them? Is it that he or she makes decisions without consulting you and they expect you to just change your plans without any hesitation? Is it the fact they spend money on non essential items when you can barely afford to put food on the table and pay the bills? Is it the way they talk to you or treat you in front of others or that they belittle your opinions?
If you can identify what makes you angry then the warning lights should come on in your head as soon as the conversation or situation shifts in that direction. Those warning lights can be a combination of both emotional and physical. For some their neck tenses, their cheeks feel flushed or they can feel a surge of emotion and words welling up from deep within gathering momentum in each passing second ready to project from their mouths as soon as they get there.
By recognising the trigger emotional and physical sensations you will be better equipped to say, “I know where this is leading to and I don’t want to go down that path. Stop.” When you are able to recognise what frustrates you the most, and this takes practice, you are on the path to stopping your temper from boiling over and saying hurtful things you may later regret.
2. Find new ways to communicate
For most couples what they feel the worst about after they lose it is how they have talked to their partner. These can include giving our partners the silent treatment, withdrawing from their partner, yelling, making snide or sarcastic remarks, swearing and name calling. It’s very easy to fall into this pattern. It’s important to remember that indirectly you are saying to your partner that is is ok to speak to each other in this way and thereby the cycle is created. This does not mean you can not express anger, disappointment, or frustration with your partner but that it is better to find ways to express your feelings in a more constructive and therefore amenable way. The key is to find a way to stay calm.
3. Learn how to stay calm
- Walk away (literally). Not only does this prevent you from starting down the wrong path, it indicates to your partner when you are beginning to become annoyed. You may want to say, “I’m not ready to talk to you about this right now so I’m going to be alone for a few moments until I can calm down.”
- Deep breathing. Stop mid-sentence, sit down with both feet on the floor, hands by your side and use deep breathing to calm yourself. Breathe in from your abdomen for 2, hold for 2 and breathe out for 4 and repeat 10 times.
- Count backwards. Before opening your mouth to respond count backwards towards calmness, until you are in a different place. Whether you are driving, making dinner or trying to relax at the end of a hard day, a way to stay calm and stop your anger dead in its tracks
- For longer-term calming practices, integrate physical exercise into your weekly routine. This can include yoga, meditation, running, biking or simply walking.
4. Communicate calmly
Good communication relies on both you and your partner being calm. Do not engage in a discussion if your partner is angry. Let him calm down first. Then explain to them what has upset you and most importantly how it makes you feel. When you are finished do not dwell on what just happened.
5. Choose Your Battles
Decide which issues are important to you and you cannot compromise on from those that are less important that you can over look. It is important not to put yourself in a position of getting upset over every little annoying thing your partner does.
6. Admit and apologise when you are in wrong
One of the greatest ways to gain the respect of your partner is by knowing when to admit you are or have done something wrong and apologise. Some people struggle with this because they think that if they do this they are giving up their power or showing weakness. In fact it is the opposite its a show of strength.
7. Find Support
Identify trusted friends or family members who are likeminded and not judgemental who will support you. Make sure you nurture these relationships so you have a mutual sounding board when times are difficult.
8. Be Kind to Yourself
Practice self-care by being kind and forgiving towards yourself. Remember there is no such thing as a perfect partner or relationship. Relationships all require hard work and this is forgotten by most people. By acknowledging that you are not perfect, that you may have future anger outbursts because, after all, you are human and fallible can take away a lot of the pressure people put themselves and can be a step to a calmer life.
Forgive yourself for past indiscretions and move forward with the aim that you will start each day aiming to try your best. That is the most anyone can ask of you.
If you would like to chat about your relationship then please contact me